angry feminist mom

I Heart Twisty

2007-05-01T13:09:00.000-05:00

When you’re already oppressed, it is, in fact, impossible to volunteer for oppression. A woman is a member of the sex class whether she “chooses” it or not. This pre-existing condition forms the backdrop to any fun feminist’s conclusion that her compliance with the patriarchal sexbot mandate is voluntary. She may believe otherwise, but her belief does not alter the fact that patriarchy — a social order predicated on an oppression to which she is already subject — is real and in effect and entirely beyond any unrestricted control she may wish to exert and only too glad to welcome her as a team player and sign her up for the rewards program.

The fun feminist confuses “empowerment” with the decision to acquiesce. This is understandable; it’s the one actual choice she has in this game: surrender, or stand and fight. She doesn’t have to be Candida Royalle to recognize that if she chooses the latter all she’ll get for her trouble is ridicule, hostility, suspicion, and the threat of bodily harm.

So what IS the true meaning of Pussycat Dolls?

2007-04-28T11:33:00.000-05:00

(originally posted onOomph.Net )

While flipping through channels I landed on the most recent episode of SnatchGrimalkin (I have a thesaurus) and took in a quick musical note and break and pose. Whew! Gloss and glitter was overwhelming on their bound and gusseted everything.

That bastion of female empowerfulling stuff, the Head of the Pussycat Dolls, looked at the three PD Wannabees and proclaimed, "This is the true meaning of Pussycat Doll!"

My very first thought was, "Slutbags?"

My next was "There's a meaning to Pussycat Dolls?"

How does being overly sexualized in your gender identity equal, um, meaning? Trust me, the men are not saying, "Look at those meaningful Dolls!"

They are, however, having many truly creepy sex thoughts about these girls, most of which start with the phrase "suck it bitch," but do not end there. Yes, even the "nice" guys. Because these women are "asking for it."

And, as creepy as that is, it is not even the real reason I would like to choke that old biddy, who is recruiting more Bimbobees to gain a biddy's 5 minutes of reality tv fame, on well really anything, especially a sandwich. Heroin is not a healthy diet.

No, we must go back to that statement about meaning and what a fucking rediculous thing to say. Sex and desire is all about the opposite of meaning. And while it can be fun to get dressed up, dance, sing, entertain and pretend that desire is the same as respect PUHLEASE DO NOT BE A 60 year old HAG fakin 40 and act like you invented Feminine Liberation by sticking your tits in a push-up and wiggling your ass. Or that there is anything deep about it, or that it helps anything, anywhere.

Ok, rant off.

To be Clear: We Must Destroy the Patriarchy!

2007-04-28T09:30:00.000-05:00

Radical Feminazi Addendum:

Not to say that men aren't spoiled brats, often abusers, sneering at the emotions of women and trying to run the world with agression, killing, raping.

Sex Positive means men know they DO NOT OWN US! Our bodies, our minds, our souls belong to us as individuals. This is so we can say "YES" without fear of the predator.

It does not mean 18 year old girls hooked on cocaine or crack or heroine being pressured by the people shooting the film to humilate herself more, to take more, to be less.

Sexual Positivity aka Men are Easy

2007-04-28T09:24:00.000-05:00

Dear Women,

You may not realize how knowledgable I am about men. If you look at my writings you might think I'm a militant, lesbian, feminist separatist. Sorta. Except I'm heterosexual. That is not something I've been able to do anything about. We all have our crosses to bear.

I was born in Wyoming, grew-up Mormon, threw off the chattels of religion and lived crazy for a while. Moved to this state and that state, dating men along the way. Many men. And when I say date I mean fuck. There were a few relationships too but the truth is I fucked.

The reasons for much sex are many, and varied, but the main reason is that I am a naturally horny person and it took me a lot of years to figure out orgasm.
Think about it men. Fucking and fucking and fucking and your partners always come and you only get to the brink and have no idea how to push it over.

I had a lot of sex, getting turned on by the next guy who talked the talk, and seemed to have a clue about how to make a woman come, but none of them actually knew what they were doing either.

No worries, I have discovered my switches, (thank evolution! I mean really, THANK YOU!!!LOVE THOSE SWITCHES!!!) but it took fifteen years and a lot of practice, which in turn has given me a ton of experience in picking up men and seeing who they are when the ego is blasted asided by lust and orgasm and saftey.

Men are so easy, for a variety of reasons, include the socialized "gotta be a man by fucking" mindfuck society lays on them. (Can we give up manly yet? C'mon, let it go and do you baby, it would help so much!) Frankly, men don't give a crap what we look like. I've had men after me at size 10 and size 20, and/or pregnant and zitty. I've had a few physical differences that had me self-concious, but I've always turned them on, mostly becuase I have never, ever thought there was anything wrong with being an openly seuxal person. And so many of those men, while complete assholes in every other area of our paths intersection, were so very kind, sweet, open, and loving as we lay around naked, before and after and always I would care about them.

I don't mean I'm sexually open with tits and ass hanging out. I mean everything about me believes sex is good. Hmmm, as in we should talk about it, clearly. That if two or more people want to try something they should. That no one is a slut for enjoying the smell, the touch, the organ and orgasm of another person.

It took me a long time to realize most people have truly restricted their views. I tend to believe everyone thinks the way I do and it's weird to realize maybe they don't.

No matter how another's mind works my attitude makes others squirm and glow around me. Even if they don't like me. Even if they would never let their friends know. Even if they don't actually want to have sex with me. It's not always revved up to lust but it's always perky.

What I'm saying is that naturally people spark on each other, and as they communicate and negotiate what the relationship is going to be it will turn into whatever it'll turn into. And appearance is truly lower on the list than anyone wants to admit these days.

We want to believe that attraction is all about the gender divide, that the more masculine and feminine an appearance the more you will attract the opposite.

Truth is, it's all about the attention and passion you give each other, not what you wear, or what piece of hair you've shaved that day or if your ass is the right size.

And the less we cooperate with this money-driven, corporation-manipulated, media-celebrated view of what "sexy" is the more the easy of men will be apparent. And we women won't have to worry about being something we aren't.

And the natural portions of our psyches that are "masculine and feminine," those bits that make me curl on your chest and sigh, and makes your rough cheek trigger my groin tingle, will be so much more fun, so much more open and both of us free.

And the part of me that will tell you to "get the fuck out of my way I got shit to do" dressed in jeans, running things, arguing things, knowing things, dreaming things will still be respected in the morning.

What if The Power Were In Our Favor.

2007-04-06T17:41:00.000-05:00

What if a woman was allowed, and even expected, to carry a handgun everywhere and to know how to use it.
What if not only did every woman in the population have a gun on her at all times but she was allowed to shoot any man at any time and never have to do any time for it. Possibly it would even be legal.

Seriously, I'm sitting in a bar wearing nothing but my handgun. Oh and I'm exactly your type. IF you are man how would that change your approach if you knew the woman was allowed to simply pull that gun and shoot you where you stand, no questions asked?

I would probably shoot off a few toes. Just for the crap guys say as women walk past. "I'd like to hit something like that!" "The only good looking thing in there was the bartender." "God, wearing that outfit she is asking for it."

Bang, Bang, Bang! "PEOPLE, WE'RE PEOPLE! and what are they asking for? Cause they have guns too. Gonna go force your attentions on them? BWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA"

Yeah, we might get a little power hunger but damn it I think it's our turn! That's my radical feminist stance. Gimmee a gun I'm gonna shoot them all. Fuckers.

Moment of Objectification

2007-03-07T08:24:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking this morning. Thinking I need to start writing my personal spews again and thinking about gender, gender roles, gender dating itself.

I've been dating for a lot of years. I use the word dating to describe all of it, the hook ups, the fantasies, the long-term child producing relationship, the entire ball of wax that is human sexual relationships in my life, from the first kiss in a park to a couple of months ago when I realized I really am no longer interested in the drunken take home.

Really it's my relationship with the patriarchy, this dating history. The patriarchy that rooted itself in my own self image, struggling to be the right type of female to meet that perfect man for me even as my understanding of female grew by living it.

I also hang out with men. I mean in the clubhouse, on the stinky couch, watching them play shoot'em up games, and listening to their crazy man ideas.

I do this cause they are good guys. In many ways have contributed to my own healing and trust issues left over from early sexual molestations. Have supported me, hate my ex, was there when we met, known me for 13 years, but damn it they as do every other man has this place where women are no longer people.

As a friend I am me, treated with kindness and respect but when they see me as female I am condescended too and the understanding that a female is only there to be their sexual object. It can be judgement on my parenting style, a weird worry that I am too girly for my son, or statements about women being crazy, or fantasies of paradisical islands of sexual pleasure and how hot the women will be or...

And My gender is not a person, not an equal, a thing.

It's not just these guys. Its SOOOO MANY DUDES DOING THIS STILL!!!!!!

Decent people and other women may not feel it as much as I do at this point. We are very indoctrinated that boys will be boys but it keeps growing in my attention span. And making me hunch my shoulders. And stop talking to creatures with penises, because the less you respect a groupable group of people the more they become not human, and hate them a little.

Male friend discussing song lyrics, laughingly: "...he was obviously tired of dating crazy chicks, so mothers and fathers should be good to the daughters cause women are crazy..."

Me in reply in a quiet not so funny voice: " Really I'm not sure the problem is the mothers and fathers so much as the rapists. Want women to stop being crazy get men to stop raping us."

I know, I forgot to add, "you know, not that I hate men or think ALL of you are rapist." I hope I didn't hurt his feelings by generalizing. Hate to hurt the big man's feelings with my manhating ways. (But you still best do me douchboy! You owe me that! I paid attention to you!!!! - sorry channeling my inner dude there.)

Running into the moment of objectification, when the mind frame switches, when you are the object or even when you are catagorized out of it and are treated as one of the guys in the conversation and it's another female as object and they are lookign at you for approval and laughter adn don't seem to realize that your face stings with the emotional slap of YOU ARE NOTHING! It's a frightening moment. A moment when you realize the potential for abuse against your person is there, the space where hitting and raping and humilating a woman comes from is right there in your friends.

And they can't see it, won't see, cling to it as though it is just a guy thing.

Are they rapists? HELL NO, not my actual friends now. But, well, we women talk and I have found out that many of my male friends of the past have been. And it's not fun to see a seed in the thinking of the men I trust.

Circumcise Men! Lose the AIDS but Keep the RAPE!

2006-12-17T21:01:00.000-05:00

I mean c'mon. It's not like there's rampant spread of aids due to people just fucking without condoms and foreskins a flying. It's spreading due to a whole lot of poverty, superstition and rape.

It's a study of men in africa fucking and seeing how many get aids without a foreskin as opposed to with a foreskin.

I would like to read this study.

From the Washington Post

Researchers announcing Wednesday's results in a conference call from the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda cautioned that circumcision should be used only as part of a broad prevention strategy, and they emphasized that its effect is limited.

In each study, thousands of men were recruited and half were circumcised. Both groups were counseled, urged to use condoms and routinely tested for HIV. The study found no significant difference in the sexual behavior between the two groups, yet they contracted HIV at sharply different rates.my emphasis

In Rakai, Uganda, among 4,996 men, 22 of those who were circumcised and 43 of those who weren't contracted HIV, a difference of 48 percent. In Kisumu, Kenya, among 2,784 men, 22 of those who were circumcised and 47 of those who weren't contracted HIV, for a difference of 53 percent.

The protection was less than reported by the South African study, which estimated that circumcised men lowered their risk by about 60 percent, but higher than that provided by most potential vaccines under development.

But if the procedure was offered widely in countries with high rates of HIV, it might prevent "many tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions of infections over time," said Kevin De Cock, director of HIV/AIDS for the World Health Organization, speaking on the conference call.

So what was the sexual behavior? Maybe I'm in a different racist vein, believing that african countries are rife with rape. It is what I keep hearing about and which doesn't seem to change, but I have to admit I don't recall the countries names well or have a clear idea of geography and borders but do a google search on uganda and rape and kenya and rape. Looks like I'm hearing that AIDS is being spread by rape.

So you gonna chop of a piece of the penis and tell these men, whose sexual practices you know about - although I hope none of them ever were rapists and simply got their 74 cases of aids (both groups) by too many gin and tonics and the happy girl at the end of the bar, who didn't know she had AIDS either and it is all just whoopsy look what happened!

I bet if people stopped getting raped and men stopped raping then the AIDS cases would drop a lot. On top of that what if we made sure condoms were everywhere. Maybe that would have stopped the men with or without foreskins who got AIDS.

How about that study, a control group of safe sex people. How many of them got AIDS?

How many women with breasts get cancer? Should we all cut off our tits just in case?

Someone else who do write more better than me

2006-12-15T00:13:00.000-05:00

We talk of male on female rape as the greater majority, but the statistics which I personally believe are most correct are that 1 in 2 females (maybe even far higher) will suffer rape or serious sexual assault in their life-time, and 1 in 6 or thereabouts of men. That figure for men is not insignificant.

Male or female, these victims live with the effects of their violation, which in some cases alters them completely as a person. Can we ignore this effect, when we talk about male and female stereotypes? If you considered that 1 in 2 women of your acquaintance may have been raped, would you want to claim that the prevalence of depression among this group is 'because they are women and women don't have any motivation like men do'.

Would you want to continue to insult them by insisting that their gender 'makes them crazy'?

Would you continue to advocate rape to 'keep someone in line' if you really acknowledged the role of abuse in an individual's continuing behavior?

Could you dismiss the problems of society if you followed the effects of rape down through not only years and decades, but generations?

Although honestly, I do hate men. I just think it's ridiculous there's any surprise about it. I am a beautiful woman, seriously and honestly and it has invalidated me as a human being to the men I've dated and befriended, all my life. As the lovely object women are in this society, to be won, polished, told how to lose weight, what do to about small flaws, talked down to when an opinion is expressed.

Some of these men have enough else going for them that I have maintained friendships, walking the line between going and staying, constantly evaluating if I'm treated well enough, or am I over looked are they growing towards the kind of men I hope to see them become, or will I become brittle under their evaluations, entitlements and scorns. Always these are the ones who are sure they know best.

A rare few truly work towards eradicating the inequality, truly look at women as human beings, as individuals and those few I know I treasure.

And tonight as my son massaged my neck and smiled to see it make me sleepy I laid my head on his bony boy chest and said, "so, how does it feel to be the grown up?" And he said, "What, you're the mom," and I said, "Yes, but you're caring and holding me sweetly and being kind and those are all things that make a man.

And then he said, "well if you're falling asleep I hope you go in the other room first."

I live my head off his chest and say, "I'm crushing you." and grin. He grins back with a nod.

I love men for the sweet amazing boys they are were, are most still are, trapped and some traumatic point in their lives.

I hate them for the cold, distant, controlling, mean, thoughtless, cruel, patronizing, entitled, manipulative, alpha macho, craphood that so many of them "mature" into.

And then you got the rapists, the racists, the serial killers, the wife beaters and the pedophiles.

I hate men because they don't want to see we have to fix these things to have our children grow up strong. We just don't need them "tough."

"...hope for a civil and benevolent society in the future."

2006-12-14T22:56:00.000-05:00

I clicked some links today and made it to this story Union officials are outraged over a massive immigration sweep yesterday, which sent 1,000 Homeland Security Department agents -- some in riot gear -- to meatpacking plants in six states to round up immigrant workers suspected of using fake identification, but may have picked up legal workers in the process.

The take on it in the Muckraker is of course different from the article in the Washington Post Federal agents targeting illegal immigrants raided meatpacking plants in six states yesterday, arresting hundreds of workers on the uncommon charge of identity theft and shutting down the world's second-largest meat processing company for much of the day.

But it was some of the comments of the Muckraker that really got me. This crazy idea that our country is somehow being harmed by all the illegal immigrants.

First off, these people are my friends. I have worked in the restaurant industry most of my adult days and there isn't a bar or restaurant that isn't cleaned by illegals. Our food runs on the picking ability of people so much poorer than me they will work a job, risk their everything that pays less than I was willing to do it for at 12. I don't remember the price but it was something like 10 cents a flat of raspberries, bending down, getting pricked, hauling a few of them around in a crate. EXHAUSTING and so NOT worth 10c a flat. Did it for part of a day and I was gone. This was in a small local farm near the town I grew up in.

Do you realize how much you have to have that money, money that even the poorest of entrenched, entitled americans I have met will not do the job for? I mean, you have got to need it desperately to work that hard for so little and in generally criminal conditions.

And they aren't taking the food from people. Others who have to pay the rent and costs that are the United States have to make more. They are not living 12 to a room, working all hours and then taking their measly amounts back home to a family that can survive on it.

One of the comments even mentioned they take jobs minorities can do, as though illegal immigrants aren't also minorities and as though it would be a way to put all "those" people to work. I'm saying wow, Smell the racism in that statement.

How about this, all those rich white fucks who seem to think they are losing out with having a massively hard-working, low-cost, workforce in country, how bout they come do the jobs for the same cash. The ones they seem so eager to dole out to all those welfare moms. How bout rich with folks get the fuck off their high horses and come live a life on the shitty end of the stick, THEN lets hear how they think this system should be reformed.

Oh and I so fucking wish a mexican trying to get work in this country would steal my social security number. GOD the things they would do for my credit! Take my financial identity PUHLEASE!!!! I kept trying to live the american dream and it ate me up. Maybe having an extra set of hands on my number would just make my life better - at their expense, of course. Pretty much the system as it stands now anyway. I win while they are victimized and criminalized.

The greatest strides in the standards of living and the pursuit of happiness, seem to happen as the individual human being gains more respect. Respect that also seems very hard to maintain once you get to the point of power, money and greed.

And just as white slave owners raped and brutalized and killed their low-cost answer to respected employees and recognized individuals with rights so too does a white government and capitalistic society brutalize, demonize, criminalize and victimize the illegal immigrant of today.

More Beautiful explanations

2006-12-12T00:27:00.000-05:00

Implicit, then, in feminism is not only the belief, but the expectation, that men are not infantile—nor stupid, useless, inept, emotionally retarded, or any other negative stereotype feminists have been accused of promoting—but instead our equals just as much as we are theirs, capable not only of understanding feminism (and feminists), but of actively and rigorously engaging challenges to their socialization, too. Feminists, of course, have the terrible reputation, but it isn't we who consider all men babies, dopes, dogs, and potential rapists. The holders of those views, I think you'll find, are the women and men who root for the patriarchy—which itself, after all, takes a rather unpleasantly dim view of most people.

HAHAand a LOLOLOROTFL

2006-12-11T23:50:00.000-05:00

I have not laughed this hard in a very long, long, long time, like last week. But all those videos I'm spose to find so amusing they end up on Ellen? No, not me, not so much. The above link made me want to tell all my friends and laugh out loud without stoping for, well, half a simpsons episode.

On to MYSPACE!!!!!!!

(I bet all the cool kids have already see this huh...via DiaryOfAFreakMagnent who go it from Shakespearessister.)

Britney Spears Still Causing Pussy Controversy

2006-12-09T14:08:00.000-05:00

And this sums it up beautifully,

When misogynists come here looking for these photos, they have not come here at my bidding or invitation, obviously. However, once they're here and find that this is a radical feminist blog, I then have to deal with all of their misogynist commentary, which I resent. I never asked them to read here, I never shot photographs of Britney Spears, I never posted them, I never contacted news media to let them know what I'd done. I was just here, blogging away about women's issues. I have neither the time nor the inclination to be reading misogynist commentary posted by people searching for something I had nothing to do with. And THAT's why I got the bright idea to give them a DIFFERENT kind of eyefull. If they're going to come here stirring up some kind of a sand for nothing, well, they're going to hear from me.

There is something else men miss, in this pursuit of pussy. How much less pussy it gets them.

Men, you constantly tell yourself lies about what women are truly like, stomp on our voices when we try to tell you why we can't fucking stand you any more, using violent means as men have used violence against women and children for all of recorded history, and lie, lie, lie to yourself that it is the women and feminists who have the problem.

Who the hell wants to fuck that?

Of course I hate men, they are far too often hateable

2006-12-06T17:46:00.000-05:00

Not Twisty at Blame the Patriarchy. I love her. And since so many other feminists do as well (love twisty) maybe the writer of the article at The New Hampshire a college paper will get to the comments that aren't about "deep-dicking" her because she presented an opinion.

Oh and if you reply to a comment when the whole list is expanded your reply gets put under the one you reply too. I had fun. You have fun TOO!

Fallout of Britney Spears Snatch Shots

2006-12-06T15:41:00.000-05:00

Does anyone else feel the creepiness that are cosmetic surgeons?

Don't get me wrong. I do believe there is a place for cosmetic surgery. Harelips and missing soft palate's as an example. Breast reconstruction, as much as I would not do it, is an option I think many women going through cancer and mastectomies should have. (Of course if our society would change a little then less women would worry if they had tits or not and that would lead to less surgery trying to put those things back and that would lead to less life-threatening complications would ensue. But that is not my point.)

However, a cosmetic surgeon, who is missing Britney Spears' 18 year old six pack abs (and do I have to talk about the need for women to have a curve outline on their abs, to be healthy, not six packs?) thinks that a WHOLE MONTH AND A HALF AFTER GIVING BIRTH is the time to do a tummy tuck. You know, get that filly back to her racing form. Get her back into his fantasies without the cesarean scar, without the reality of motherhood.

GUESS WHAT, YOU PERSON WHO IS SPOSE TO BE A DOCTOR, SHE STILL NEEDS THAT FAT!

Do you fuckers have nothing better to do than play god to reconstruct women into your fantasies? Poor Children in third world countries who need things done to them for health reasons maybe?

Watching Extreme MakeOver started my rage at this. I remember one strong woman, who had an army career and a strong, square jawline being turned into a barbie doll, cutting her very bones for the delicate chinline deemed desirable. And to make her sexy by making her look weak.

She had a pouchy belly, as many of us who have carried your children to term and shoved them out our pudenda do, a comfy lap for babies and hugging. The doctor almost drooled over it in the opening sequences, drawing lines and speaking of giving her a more "Feminine" figure. FUCK YOU DOCTOR! NOTHING MORE FEMININE THAN GIVING BIRTH! Pretty much the god damn mother fucking definition of it and if you have a problem with that then I can't say you're much of a man. In fact I bet you're gay and overcompensating trying to fit into your male gender role of ASSHOLE.

I would love it if we could stop depending on our gender roles to define who we are. And I would ADORE it if every douchbag whose male ego, whose sense of masculinity is wrapped up in what a woman looks like and not who we are, would simply explode. Of course if that happened the population would be decimated. I would be ok with that.

And it is not EVERY WOMAN'S NIGHTMARE to be caught in the same dress as others at a party, like Laura Bush and Why is the news asking if Jennifer Anniston is destined to be single but Nobody mentions Vince Vaughen is just a unattached? (Can you tell the tv is on while I write this?)

This society sucks so much ass.

yes, Yes, YES!!!!!

2006-12-05T22:37:00.000-05:00

I have just read enough on the internet to discover Rumsefeld is being tried for war crimes.

I may have had a soulgasm.

That's right, you know what these are, I've had them staring at skies, when everything is so perfect and the sun or moon or clouds are what you think god would create if there weren't all these dumbass humans around so you could believe in god.

Soulgasm baby.

I can not know everything, I can not know everything, I can not know everything

2006-12-04T00:09:00.000-05:00

I read about 200 blogs today, from science to feminist to tech and kept finding new things I wish I had thought of first, other things I wanted to know more about, third things I tried to figure out on the fly.

It's become a disease. I need to start getting a little more tunnel vision if I am EVER going to accomplish something.

Pretty Damn Happy

2006-12-03T12:57:00.000-05:00

I walked the sidewalk with my pod in my ears, grocery bags dangling from one hand, my stomach squeezed into laundry day pants, a raggedy laundry day shirt clinging to me in the wind and spelling out every fold of 36 years on this planet, slightly bulgy, slightly saggy, slightly old. I was happy.

The night before I sat at a bar with two girl friends and we talked life and art. And then we went up on stage in front of other friends and some strangers and all of us had fun, interesting 6 minutes of performance time. And afterward an old boyfriend and I wandered around, being friendly for the first time in years. Sometimes I think he loves me and doesn't realize it, the way I catch him looking at me, the way he constantly leans towards me, unless a young hot blonde is in the room. I am sure that his self-obsession leaves no room for seeing me, whatever feelings he may or may not recognize.

Neither of us felt like going home and being lonely so we went to his place and talked about him.

In between speaking of him we cover a couple of other topics too.

He constantly asks for my opinion on the people we know. I give it to him, having analyzed everyone myself, usually trying to compare them to me, to see where my damage is, do I do that? Why do they do that? Why do I? How clearly can I see someone else?

I'm sure he asks these questions of everyone he speaks with, looking for the info for manipulation and grading levels of association. Fuckable? Not fuckable? Cool enough? Not cool enough? Cooler than me? Not Cooler than me? There's always a measuring game going on in his head.

He gave me advice on my set, the one where I read the beginning of my memoirs. He advised on how I needed to cut, get to the punch, make sure I entertain the audience. He wasn't entertained by how I am starting the beginning of my life story, I'm guessing, though he would never simply say that. I could hear in his advice what he thought.

I tried to explain I wanted to know what he thought of the writing, that I was there to hear the words out loud, not to impress an audience. I don't mind their silence, that's when I hear them listening. I hate the chitchat, you've lost them. He has never grasped that part, the workshopping of a different type of work on that stage. His life is for the applause and laughter.

Then it's back into his world. He knows I have an honesty disease, and when I am drifting off to sleep on a couch that is like truth serum, and he asked me how I see him.

I told him. And I remember why I did the dating thing with him at all, he laughed gently as I told him my truth of him. He tried to listen and he wrote it down on his computer.

I think my last words to him were, "you can't build yourself like you build an act." As I drifted off, listening to him tap and type, struggling to become a grown up with no skills on how to do so and believing he's already made it.

And this morning, after left his apartment I ate sushi from the grocery store, and took the train home, and chatted with another friend on iChat, and did my laundry, and went shopping, and then skipped merrily home to drop off the soy milk and high fiber/whole grain everything, I realized how happy I was. Happy I didn't have sex with him, happy I wasn't him, happy at my life and knowing I am exactly who I always wanted to be.

Truth Hurts and Usually is Ignored as Well

2006-12-01T15:06:00.000-05:00

If you're interested in how the press expresses, validates and amplifies popular prejudices, you've got a great opportunity. It starts in the "Femail" section of the Daily Mail on 11/28/2006, where Fiona Macrae reviewed Dr. Louann Brizendine's book The Female Brain ("Women talk three times as much as men, says study"). Macrae focused especially on two of Brizendine's quantitative bullet points:

[W]omen talk almost three times as much as men, with the average woman chalking up 20,000 words in a day - 13,000 more than the average man. [...]
Studies have shown that while a man will think about sex every 52 seconds, the subject tends to cross women's minds just once a day.

Now, just for the record, Dr. Brizendine has never done any research on either of these topics, and none of the sources that she cites provide any support for either the talking numbers or the sex-thoughts numbers. And the scientific studies that actually have counted words find that men and women appear to talk about the same amount, on average, with men sometimes a bit ahead; and the one study I've found that counted sexual thoughts reports that the frequency for males was every 12,300 seconds on average, compared to every 19,200 seconds for the females. If you care about the science, you can read about talking here and sexual thoughts here, and more on the science (and pseudo-science) of all sorts of sex differences here.

This is from a smart person who points out how the fallacies of a book that I have already seen RIPPED TO SHREDS on the internet, smart people all over the place proving WITH THE BOOK'S OWN INFORMATION how the conclusions about the Female Brain are false, wrong and complete crap are perpetrated by repetition around the globe with no one seeming to check the actual info.

We love to have our assumptions proven right, even if there's no proof there.

My Guy Friend

2006-11-28T13:00:00.000-05:00

One of my best guy friends is constantly setting himself up as the protector of the rational in our relationship. Because women are "CRAZY." Not that he often caught me in a crazy girl trap but boy, he made sure to make sure I wasn't in any way over reacting. These rational checks are almost always run on my reactions to my ex and my son, because, of course Guy Friend is sure he knows best, better than the irrational emotional woman.

It is these moments that make me question the relationship, if it is worth being in when obviously when it comes to the parts of me he identifies as female he has these ridiculous beliefs and behaviors.

This is a more moderate form of what turns into abusive language to women. It's the beginning of the idea that women just aren't quite right in the head due to those hormones.

Now Guy Friend is not in anyway abusive but he is aggressive. And So sure of himself. And burst into temper even though it doesn't mean anything at all, just a flair of emotion, almost for the entertainment value. He also has deep kindness and has saved me emotionally time and again, somehow knowing a trip out of town is in order after the break up, allowing me to cry on his couch and letting me know how ever bad it gets he will be there, as a friend, as a support.

So I've taken the overbearing questions of rationality due to not noticing how weird that is at first, I've always had men telling me things they knew, then getting annoyed but having no words to contend with, trying to show him how rational I truly was, seeing it as piece of him that I understand and care about as a whole so trying to be at peace with his personality quirk and then finally, in the last conversation, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THE RATIONAL POLICE?"

He laughs, at me and himself. He gets it when it's pointed out to him. Sorta. For that moment. But we're ok. Always will be I think.

It happened not because of my anger and annoyance finally bursting through the layer of frosty cultural niceness and the other layer of abusive shit heads, but because I finally felt safe enough with him to say what I thought about it. Behind my silence was a fear and it's a fear of men and what them may do.

I keep practicing saying what I'm thinking or needing to say when and where it needs to happen. But it's not simply my job to be stronger and braver. Men need to do their side, question their basic belief about women, stop trying to get in our pants and get in our heads for a while. I promise the pants will come off easier if you have some empathy for this other person you are sharing space with.

It's not about how masculine or how feminine people are, there are ignorant and empathetic all along the gender lines. It's about the fact that I keep screaming on the inside, "I'm A PERSON DAMNIT!"

Best when viewed with RSS

2006-11-25T02:56:00.000-05:00

This is a quick drive by post to say RSS this site if you like anything I've said.

And you may not have.

I write a very personal blog about my life in this world as an angry feminist mom. I was going to try to write things regularly and with good spelling and lots of great ideas but that happens to be failing. I usually just sit down and RAGE about the sexism or the Ex-ism in my world, a release ya know? May not always make sense. I've got the mindframe that everyone will get what I'm talking about even if I skip over explanations or verbs or nouns.

So there's not much here for people to cling too. OR to check back on.

RSS will at least throw a note somewhere saying I've actually written and then you don't have to worry about it.

And I now must go to sleep. It's 3 am.

Rest assured that I write brilliant essays for this site in my head ALL THE DAMN TIME! Usually when I'm walking or trying to do the dishes. If you believe in telepathy then RSS those! Much better than this.

Men and Sex

2006-11-19T19:28:00.000-05:00

Of course as I go about my day siphoning through internet offers to stick tools in my box I have talked to my penis-enabled friends about the experience.

We really have two different points of view.

Men and Women.

Concerning Sex in General.

And no matter what people say it hasn't got a thing to do with biology cause I'm very sure if we were all just driven by biology no one would ever get work done. We are all horny people, men and women. And women have better orgasms, once you get the hang of it.

No it has to do with the power differential.

Physical power and societal power.

The most striking difference was how my group of white guys seemed to share the same idea as most the men who wrote me: If you're asking for casual sex then you are asking for something cold, something slutty, something that means you don't deserve more than a "ok/sounds good" and an unsmiling mug shot-like picture.

They assured me that it's not creepy someone sends that sort of a response to a lighthearted note asking for naked fun. It's what you should expect. You asked for sex. What do you want conversation for? You're not going to need to talk with my dick in your mouth. (Pretty much a direct quote from guy friends explaining/defending internet reply.)

Um, your dick won't be in my mouth if I can't talk with you. Penis alone is not enough, need a person to be naked with.

And they don't care enough to even think about it. They get defensive and put in me the catagory of "female" and "crazy." God, didn't she know the way guys are? She asked for it.

Patriarchy has ruined men. Nothing to do with biology. The less you respect a catagorized section of humanity the harder it is to treat them as people. And patriarcy is all about how crazy, weak, and silly women are. Thank god they're good for something. Sticking my penis in.

How many times do I have to scream, BUT I'M STILL A PERSON at them before they start questioning any of their behavior?

Craig's List

2006-11-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

I am an angry feminist who has slept with many men, hung out with even more of them and has been having a very difficult time getting it up for an actual guy. I mean, I didn't get my son by hating sex. I like it. I like the physicality of it. Not just the orgasms. But I've been fed up with men for a while. Their myopic vision of life, their entitlement, their rickety egos.

Boils down to it being a while since I've copulated like a bonobo with anyone.

I was weak.

I took out a casual encounters ad on Craigslist. I really can not stand the idea of having to worry about another human being in my life and I have this fantasy of this great guy who I use and ignore.

Wow. I got a lot of replies. And honestly, probably not that many in percentage points when you think about how many are in a metropolitan area. But it was hundreds. And Such a diverse selection of men.

So it's like I'm playing the Bachorlette with NSA (no strings attached).

I can't actually envision real life meetings off this thing. There is so much potential for crazy people. SOOOO many of the e-mails were phone numbers and wanting to show up at my door right then. Like what? Are you completely out of touch of the reality of women? I should just club myself to death and get it over with.

I used the word feminist in the ad. Funny, did you know married guys thinks Feminists are HOTT. I don't know about you but feminist means no affairs, I gots a sisters back, besides...it just doesn't ever work out folks. End the commitment first, seriously. I'm not going to be the ego boost that keeps you tolerating an unhappy marriage.

The porn descriptions of how they will pleasure me. Um, Ok, and I can totally pleasure myself too. and I know they are trying to say they won't be selfish lovers but their phrasing is patronizing in how they will control me and gift me with sexual ecstasy. Even when presented as serving me. And I recall when once that was attractive, before I knew where my triggers were (everywhere), before I had my own orgasmic control. and I think I may be sexually beyond them.

And there were some very nice people and part of me wonders, is this how to do it? Order up the person of your needs via the internet? Get them by the penis and make them dance?

I don't know. There's just something crazy we train into men about sex and even using the word feminist can't weed out the men who still see differently-boobed people as objects.

What the Hell's been going on around here?

2006-10-24T15:08:00.000-05:00

Ok, so after I sent the letter to Douchbag he didn't reply. He did call my friend, the lawyer, and asked if I had retained him (who the hell does that?) instead of talking to me but that was it. Me and lawyer friend figured he was getting ready for a court action.

Of course not! Cause I'm pretty sure any lawyer he spoke to also told him he was a Douche and had no case for anything. Cause that's what the lawyer I spoke to last year told me. But we could try to fight for $20,000. TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!! That is what she would ask for, if she took the case, as a retainer.

Luckily lawyer friend moved back to town.

I called my son on Wed, to verify pickup Thursday afternoon. I asked him if there would be any problem. He said, "Um, talk to Dad." So I did.

"Emonkey told me to ask you about picking him up tomorrow? Is there a problem with tomorrow evening?"

"Tomorrow?" I could hear thinking and smugness. "What time?"

"6:30 to 7:30, my usual, depending on when my afternoon appointment is over."

"That should be fine."

"Ok. Let me talk to Emonkey again."

Oh it rankled. I could hear his voice, there was so much personal satisfaction. So much specifity. He had something planned, I could tell.

The next day, being Thursday, I called EMonkey as I head out to pick him up. "I'm on my way! Think there's gonna be any problems?" After spending Emonkey's birthday sitting on the front steps to his dad's home, in 98 degrees, waiting for people to be home when I told them I would be coming, I was not very confident of this pick up going well.

"Um, mom? Dad told me he was going to pick me up at lunch tomorrow, from school." He sounded worried and scared. He hates it when we fight.

"Ok, We'll figure it out!" I chirp at him. "See you soon!"

Then I called lawyer friend. Emonkey says I use Lawyer Friend like a secret weapon. He's right.

The best advice comes many times from a mind without emotional attachment. "Sounds like you're not feeling well. I'm not sure how you will get him to school in the morning."

Funny thing, I did feel horrible Friday morning! Cramps, Migraine, totally unable to get my son to school, being the only adult in the household and you just can't travel with migraines.

2 in the afternoon (Lunch is at 11) Douche called. "Where is Emonkey." A very angry but constrained tone of voice, clenched teeth could be heard in the background. Trying to be as unemotional as possible.

I explain, duh, I got SICK! Imagine that! He says something about coming to get the boy. I say nope. It's not your weekend. I know you got the letter. He's with me for the weekend.

He says, with even clenchier teeth, "Good luck." and hangs up. Then calls back like five seconds later and TELLS me "I have him Nov 18th and 19th." and hangs up. Which makes we wonder what is going on that weekend but I'll deal with that when it happens.

Then Emonkey and I stress out for a while, trying to think what things his father may possibly do. I did get chores done as we played with the idea of Child Services showing up at our door.

Uncle Lawyer, Douche's Brother, called. He is more normal and did the great negotiator's trick of letting me know his brother is obviously being unreasonable. Remember that, if you have to mediate something privately, make sure you let the party you want something from KNOW that you're on their side, even if you're not.

I gave in to Sunday morning. I thought about the ugliness of my ex's personality and how bad we fight now, and couldn't imagine playing hardass and taking it all to nuclear level.

I wasn't gonna give up my birthday time with my kid though. Especially not to fulfill my ex's manly fantasies.

So now my son is in the great outdoors, possibly in snow, and possibly shooting at animals or seeing them shot and I miss him.

But wait till I tell you about Saturday! The Birthday!

Gay Animals!

2006-10-15T10:31:00.000-05:00

Still, it is unclear why homosexuality survives since it seems a genetic dead-end.

Among theories, males can sometimes win greater acceptance in a pack by having homosexual contact. That in turn can help their chances of later mating with females, he said.

And a study of homosexual men in Italy suggested that their mothers and sisters had more offspring. "The same genes that give homosexuality in men could give higher fertility among women," he said.

These last lines just nag at me though. If our only genetic drive is to pass on our DNA by popping out children then why grandmothers? Why Menopause? And of course, Why Homosexuality?

But shouldn't the question be Why do we assume popping out babies is our only genetic drive? As though there is only one way to ensure survival of the species, as though self-sacrifice for the greater good doesn't happen every day. As though there is only one type of genetic drive for every individual of the species.

Doesn't it seem like to anyone else that if we stop believing so hard in an aggressive, sperm-fueled, genetic destiny we might actually settle into a fulfilling equilibrium?

I'm not a scientist so my conclusions are all about how the reported science I run into hits my head but really, is it simply being a dreamer to think that we could, if we chose to, share and share alike, and be kind and respectful, and learn how to raise our kids nicely (so they don't pick on each other) and that would create people living lives we love to be in? Is Utopia really a crazy idea?

A Letter to My Ex-Douche

2006-10-09T21:45:00.000-05:00

I'm giving this to him in the morning. Or more to the point, tapping it to the door cause I can't stand to talk with him anymore.
------

Douche,

You asked me for the weekend of October 20 to 22 as your weekend for the month and so you can take EMonkey moose hunting.

I have given it serious thought and have to decline this request for several reasons.

The first and main reason is that the 21st is my birthday and I do have legal rights to be with EMonkey that day. And he and I had made plans for that day and the weekend before you mentioned the dates to me. I do not want to give those up.

Some of the other reasons I have spoken to you about, what seeing a large, majestic animal killed may do to an 11 year old child with Aspergers as well as my personal feelings considering hunting.

Another reason has occurred to me and made me very frightened at the prospect of EMonkey out around guns and hunting. That is EMonkey's inability to respond quickly, or without argument, or even at all, to commands, orders and/or the word "stop," even when said by parents and authority figures. If he is in danger and doesn't realize it and doesn't listen then there could be tragedy. Very likely will be tragedy and if you are determined to hunt with him it seems it wouldn't hurt to wait for him to mature a little more, work on the responses to the word "stop" and start with less dangerous game, like pheasant or rabbit, that requires smaller bore rifles and not so lethal bird shot.

I would hope that the result of this refusal of custody for the weekend will not result in statements about making me pay. EMonkey has been very upset by them and is having a very hard time concentrating at school and on homework due to worry about your anger towards me. He is afraid of you taking me away or hurting me in some way, due to things you have said, such as: he would be a missing child if he doesn't come home on the bus, the friday you dropped him off for school, even if I picked him up. (The teachers told me that day at school was very difficult for him and he was very wild.)  That you have 6 years of evidence of my being a bad mom. That you will find a way to make me pay for losing you all the money for the hunt.

Also, as a side note, please refrain from telling him the school will have me up on negligence charges and take him away from me if he misses too many Fridays. Not only untrue but there is no reason to think that he would.

In fact it would be very good for EMonkey if you could refrain from taking your anger at me out on him. He has done nothing, loves us both very much, and is only disturbed, confused and wounded by these statements. As well as all the others I've heard about.

If you would like the weekend of the 13th, 14th and 15th or the next weekend of 27th, 28th and 29th both are open and available to you.

Please do not take him out of school to go moose hunting during the week. I do not believe he will ever catch up with the work. He is already failing gym, due to three times being unprepared and has an F in Social Studies for homework that is not done. He can recover in Social Studies if he gets everything done from now on, or so he told me. I am e-mailing the teacher to see if it's true.

Most of all please find a way to help him with the homework without stressing him out and help him get to sleep on time. He has also mentioned being unable to do the homework because he is worried about all the other homework he has to do instead of just working and stays awake late worrying about it all. He and I have been working out on timing him, 15 minutes at time for work, do as much as he can, reward of praise and attention for what he has done, then break, then back for another 15 minutes. And he is in bed by 9 no matter what and has been getting up in the morning to finish any homework that is undone. Supporting him without being angry or threatening him is working as well as stickers as a reward and a very regular schedule of when homework is to be done.

Sincerely

AFM

CC: LawyerFriend, Esq

Carnival of the Feminists!!!

2006-10-09T16:45:00.000-05:00

Education and input and ideas all in one place, yay!

"He never gave up anything to do it!"

2006-10-08T22:39:00.000-05:00

I have always loved Sally Field and am falling in love with ABC's New Brothers and Sisters.

Tonight's Episode was about cheating. Sally's dead tv husband cheated on her. And in reply to Calista "i need a carton of ice cream but it's ok cause AFM is gonna eat one for me" Flockheart's soothing, "He loved you." She replied "Oh he loved me but he never gave up anything to do it!"

And it struck me. That explains almost all of my relationships, including friendships and bosses and you know, all the variety of ways we have relating to/with men.

Even many of the ones I am closest too.

But I also find myself allowing them to do so.

I was thinking about it earlier, before the show, in response to a particularly selfish male friend, an old, long term, close to my heart man. Not to say he's a horrible person and has been very wonderful in so many ways, yadda, yadda, yadda, "don't be thinking I'm a bitch" words here.

But...to have so many of the ordinary things go my way I have to fight some for it. And I constantly choose not to fight, because i feel like it's not worth it in general. And I keep looking for him to be thoughtful of me in small ways as I try to be thoughtful of him and everyone else I know. Not to the point where I live to please others but you know, the easy little things it simply takes some thought about. Which he doesn't. And now I've stopped, mostly. And he hasn't noticed. I don't think.

So In Conclusion: I don't know. I'm trying to teach my son how to pay attention, and how to give, and not to think he's center of the universe. Will the grown men ever start figuring it out themselves?

Evolution for the Community Maybe? Ya Think?

2006-10-08T20:10:00.000-05:00

"Humans are the only animals to act spitefully or to mete out "justice", dishing out punishment to people seen to be behaving unfairly – even if it is not in the punisher's own best interests. This tendency has been hard to explain in evolutionary terms, because it has no obvious reproductive advantage and punishing unfairness can actually lead to the punisher being harmed."

I love the way everyone is so sure that ape postering aggression and ego driven insanity is the entire legacy of millions of years of evolution. Or 6000 years of being sinners. Whichever camp you subscribe to the bottom line is a lot of rhetoric about how horrible human beings are.

HAH on you! We have evolved to demand others act fair. At a COST TO OURSELVES!!!! Why? However could this have happened? Shock! Cause it's just about how to stick a penis into a vagina and pump out a litter, isn't that clear cause we have, um, litters...Wait, I mean...

Ummm maybe it evolved because when everyone is fair to everyone else in a community then people live longer, healthier lives and can expect to see their children grow up? You know, the way life kept gettings better as we industrialize and yes, keep evolving. We can see the world as our community, see each individual as a person and the people who do that will hopefully reproduce some more and create even more kids with an overdeveloped whatchimicallit that demands everyone be treated with equal rights, property and needs being met.

Of course it's an ongoing and complicated brain so many of the people who are "fair" aren't because their core beliefs about what is and isn't fair are totally screwed up.

Pass this link around

2006-10-04T17:31:00.000-05:00

It's time to start understanding the killing of women and children by men is a way of life and not a crazy extra on the 5 o clock news. It happens all the time, all over the world and all through history. Time to end it as well. First by memorializng it, giving these deaths names and faces and wide publication. Starting with saying, look this is a huge problem.

Next step? I'm not sure.

The School Year Begins

2006-09-04T23:19:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the first day of school. My son does not want me there, he's at his dad's. I understand. Harder to walk into a scary place when your Mom is standing on the side being stupidly cheery and worried as hell at the same time.

We spoke on the phone tonight. Well, we sat on the phone, he was playing a video game and we did 20 minutes of him distractedly chattering nonsense phrases and sounds into my ear with me hunting and pecking around the computer in my lap I mentioned he seemed distracted, maybe nervous about school?

I got some hoots of assent.

We discussed it in a roundabout manner and remembered a time recently when he had decided he can do anything if he wants to.

He ended it as he was called to go eat. Maybe more relaxed.

I dread school. I dread the interactions with his father and the principle and the teacher conferences and...school.

When I asked him if I should come up and see him in the morning he said his father had said I wasn't allowed. I can't even being to figure out what the logic behind that would be, besides an ego struggling to control throwing some lame ass justification into my ex-douchebag's head.

I replied, "Listen, it doesn't matter what dad said, forget that. Do you want me there? I can meet you outside the door to school, no problem."

He thought, and turned me down, and I can respect that, probably the smartest decision, all in all.

And so he goes to become a man. Starting school without me, the pack of young boys ready to make him understand moms are uncool and how to rebel and I hope we make it through the next few years with few scars.

Grade School is Over.

WHO HAS ABORTIONS

2006-08-31T12:51:00.000-05:00

Fifty-two percent of U.S. women obtaining abortions are younger than 25: Women aged 20–24 obtain 33% of all abortions, and teenagers obtain 19%.[6]

Black women are almost four times as likely as white women to have an abortion, and Hispanic women are 2.5 times as likely.[7]

Forty-three percent of women obtaining abortions identify themselves as Protestant, and 27% as Catholic.[8]

Two-thirds of all abortions are among never-married women.[9]

Over 60% of abortions are among women who have had one or more children.[10]

The abortion rate among women living below the federal poverty level ($9,570 for a single woman with no children) is more than four times that of women above 300% of the poverty level (44 vs. 10 abortions per 1,000 women).[11]*

On average, women give four reasons for choosing abortion. Three-fourths of women cite concern for or responsibility to other individuals; three-fourths say they cannot afford a child; three-fourths say that having a baby would interfere with work, school or the ability to care for dependents; and half say they do not want to be a single parent or are having problems with their husband or partner

20.5% of women in opposite sex relationships were raped, assaulted or stalked by their husband or male partner.

2006-08-31T12:36:00.000-05:00

That is just a crazy huge number and mind you, that is not a TOTAL of all women who are raped or abused or stalked. Just the percentage of women in a heterosexual relationship who is being damaged by that relationship. Violent Damage. The kind that just sticks with a gal.

This is simply appalling.

Angry Feminist Mom had an Angry Feminist Depression

2006-08-20T22:28:00.000-05:00

...so she took a long break from writing. Why? Cause it just doesn't seem to matter. No matter how feminism is presented the world keeps making it a problem that only some angry women seem to have.

Strong women in the media who are supposedly pushing women power still make sure the first complement is on how beautiful a woman is and delivering make-overs and shows on the do's and don'ts of pant buying for your figure. (I'm looking at you Oprah!)

And nobody but nobody really seems to give a flying shit about who people really are.

Grrrr...a website that has so much potential for me to be my raging bitch self on it and yet, well, why bother? Even the self-declared feminist men only want to hear so much. Think it should still be something that is "managed."

Instead I have spent this summer hanging out with my son. Going to the beach and hanging out on the gay end of things. Hitting a couple of night spots once in a while for good times with friends. And overall trying to disconnect myself from anything that wants me to be a woman and will let me just be me.

Frankly, I'm actually more of a straight guy than anything else if you want to refer to the gender roles as currently displayed in this world. I wear crappy clothes until they fall off me. I LOVE science fiction. I am the bread winner of the house hold. I love to drive a fast car. And I adore guy on guy action. I know the fact that it's guys sorta queers it up but seriously, I don't have the wardrobe to be a gay man.

Maybe I'm back. Maybe this post means the depression is lifting. Probably not. I'll turn on my tv again and see another fat, unfunny comic with a hot chick playing his wife and wonder why I haven't gone Dr. Evil yet and figured out a way to just blow the fuck out of this whole goddamn planet.

Or maybe Tyra will stop making sure her eyebrows are on cause really, does it fucking matter if you aren't perfectly made up?

Or maybe the Starting Over House will stop giving all their graduates makeovers as rewards cause they realize that is still buying to the mindset that creates these crazy crying women to begin with.

Or maybe Dove's Real Beauty Campaign will stop cutting it's footage so you can actually see the tummy on the one woman who is rounder in the belly than the others, instead of her arm delicately arranged across it.

If all that happened I could let it go once in a while, this feeling that I hate the entire world. If there were strong woman leaders in my son's superhero cartoons. If the girls in them didn't wear half shirts and giggle about shoes and always be the whimsical artistic type.

If only any of the above would happen, or all or something similar, then...well I don't know what. But I would really, really like it.

Look at those Glorious Links

2006-05-31T23:48:00.000-05:00

I finally took the 2 hours to figure out what the hell was wrong. Fell in love with BBedit, only program that will insert text at beginning and end of line, just what you need for a crap load of list tags.

And the culprit that was keeping me from seeing my links was bad quote marks. Some left over from a not so plain text life.

Again, I love the BBEdit.

Took me another hour to figure out the list codes, having not been learning html for years.

Also,

Does the dry sarcasm of the previous post come through? Does everyone realize that my internal voice is rolling it's eyes at all the silliness of the way we think celebrities are important and how women are sposed to go for bad boys.

Get it.

Deeply thought out satire people, raging deep satire, yep, that's what you're gonna find on this site.

Go ahead, try to figure out if that was sarcastic or not!

Now go to bed. It's late.

Knew it would happen

2006-05-30T22:32:00.000-05:00

I finally had enough sex that one of them ended up on tv! that makes me a celebrity by association right?

But starting at 17 and having had sex with a variety of people, heavily on the performers, in 6 different states (see, being all cagey and shit) it had to happen some day.

I feel like I've really accomplished something!

Too bad the last memory of them was their being a total douche and that part isn't on the tv so I get to see the really cool all attractive side.

Yes, I will be watching it like it was Buffy Returned. Cause when I say tv I mean an actual national show baby, not just a local commercial.

I've just watched a hydroxy cut commercial and then one for pepto bismal, as though I have never seen commericials before. God, TV is creepy.

If that not ever named and trying not to even hint at who person gets famous I will totally tell the whole douchbaggery story and subsuquent personal assumptions, emotions and bitchiness about incident.

Compton Night

2006-05-10T08:17:00.000-05:00

You wouldn't think of it to look at me, shiny-mormon-white, but I've walked the mean streets of Compton and lived to tell the tale.

In 1989 I moved out of Utah to go to college in Tarkio, Mo. A mistake, to say the least, with a variety of adventures there that got me to turn right around and head back home to Logan, Utah to attend college at Utah State University.

That didn't work out much better.

I was bored and lonely. Nervous to be around other people, stared at, (cause I was hot and not cause I was weird, I found out later) as well as needing something other than mormons and reactions to mormons to surround me. Feeling ugly and alone, due to the lack of an ego-sustaining boyfriend, I was ripe for the assholes that started sniffing around.

So I met a pedophile (this information about his character was confirmed much later, after the break up, but the warning sirens were screaming from the moment we met. If only I hadn't wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt). So, I met this pedophile and let him talk me to moving to Mesquite, Nevada. Why? He acted delighted to see me every time and was the closest I had gotten to vaginal orgasm, at that time.

In Mesquite he spent the money I had received from my mother. She had taken the social security she was getting to support us, due to a dead spouse, and put it in a bank account for her children. We got the lump sum when we graduated. I made $5,000. OF course the pedophile spent it on moving us, gambling, getting his things out of hock and a motorcycle that he made sure he took with him when I finally kicked him out of the townhouse he, our friend, his younger brother and I were sharing.

That was what got me to Nevada. Soon after that the crystal meth head/line cook, from the casino coffeeshop where I sat people, became my roommate and fuck buddy. I soon started on the crystal and he soon started shooting up with his new stick-thin, addict girlfriend.

I became very cruel on crystal, made him cry a few times and knew once again I was in a bad place with my life. After a few months of this idyllic situation I moved to Las Vegas. I moved with two of the other casino coffeeshop hostess, white ex-mormon chicks also rejecting their upbringing. One had a boyfriend who was black and had the worst body odor of anyone I have ever met before or since in my life. There was also Cousin Shelia, a 20-something single mom with two kids. I will never forget the night of watching Color Purple and being "schooled" on how I shouldn't be crying cause it was a "black" thing by Mr. Smelly. "FUCK You!" I replied, "It's a WOMAN thing."

Cousin Shelia and Boyfriend BO had a matriarch turning 60 in Compton. Vegas to Compton was about a 5 hour drive. Hey White Chick Mormon Girl, Fresh and Innocent and Idealistic at 19, wanna car trip to the hood? You can sit right behind the smelly guy. Luckily it was summer and all the windows were wide open so I was the only one who had him wafting up her nose.

It was me, and the other ex-mormon roommate and the boyfriend you've heard about, Cousin Shelia and her boyfriend, or maybe he was just a friend. I remember liking him a lot, wondering if somehow he would end up being "the one" but I was spose to be dating this other guy, Glenn, who was spose to give me a diamond ring, just cause I wanted to see if I could be one of those girls who could get stuff from a guy. I couldn't.

I don't think Glenn and I were dating at this point.

I think this trip happened after I slept with him and had a girl at the front door in the morning demanding to get in and screaming about how he was her boyfriend and I'm not really scared or worried cause frankly at that point I really wasn't sure what I was spose to be doing, as a girlfriend, and we had nothing in common. The whole thing seemed staged, her screaming at the door. Him calling friends trying to figure out what do to.

He did however introduce me to the music of Public Enemy and for that I will always remember his name.

I would also like to insert here that after I broke up with him he came over and I was "sleeping" with a guy I had picked up on the freeway, who was trying to get dressed and get out, and then it was Glenn and Me in the hallway, me without my glasses so my eyes were squinted and right in his face. I had been yelling, "we broke up Glenn." He had been yelling, "How you doing this to me?" Then his right fist clenched. And I felt it and checked and got piiiiisssed. The deep, crazy, raging burn in my chest, my mind clear, knowing that no man was ever gonna hit me and not pay. PIIIISSSED at him thinking he had any right, any ability to hit me! And I drew in even closer, my voice low and rock-steady I explained how he "better fuckin kill me if cause if you don't I am going to make it to that kitchen and find a butcher knife and take off your cock. And if you put me down I will wake up and I will wait until you sleep and..."

This was the second and last man who raised a fist to me in my life. The first was a white 17 year old mormon boy in Utah a few years earlier.

His arm, which he had raised as my threatening began, came down, realizing that I was waaaaay fucking crazier than he had any hope of being and he left.

So he was not on the trip to California, which will include a hotel room in Anaheim and A Party in Compton.

There was also a lot of pot involved so we got lost in Los Angles for awhile. I remember that finding the hotel was hard. A 5 hour drive took 8.

Let's be honest right now. I was a racist at this point in my life. It was in no way a racism of intention or viciousness. It was one of ignorance and lack of exposure. I was weirded out by black skin. My grandmother would be shocked at images on tv of black men and white women kissing, exclaiming she didn't understand how you could kiss such big lips. My mother was sure that mixed race children would have a horrible time in this world and that was really the only reason she wouldn't want me to date a black guy, and of course, she didn't want me to date a black guy. We were the products of our times and our very white lives and the racism inherent there...

I walked into a black world when I moved into that apartment in Vegas. My first in-depth exposure. And I was determined to fight all the racism that would crowd up in my mind, not the n-word but distaste, and fear. Intellectually I knew it was wrong but that didn't fix it instantly.

My greatest strength in life has been the ability to suspend my reactions to an event. It has probably harmed me as well, but I have a place where I am only open and observing, not putting anything out either, not knowing what to do so just paying attention until I figure out the rules of the situation I'm in and the bottom of the brain bubbles up with a game plan. Usually covered with a turned away face, quiet murmurs and a shy smile. This was how I walked into the party.

Warmly greeted, but surrounded by such difference, I simply suspended and existed.

Mostly what I remember was me drinking gin and juice, staring and quiet, having no idea what to do and say and getting very drunk. Walked in the door determined to not be a racist. I wanted to see every detail and understand it and tell the story years later, but I remained quiet and in shock, never relaxing enough to connect and am left with almost no memories of it now.

It was a small house, a little front room, a little dinning room and an upstairs with a couple of tiny bedrooms. The decor was sweet old lady all the way. Just like my great grandma's with doillies and many pictures and many poofy pieces of furniture. There was no food, only cake and I was starving. There were a few different people there, children mostly, some grandkids but I only remember the scraggly, older, toothless, very black Uncle hitting on me. Older as in 40 to my 19. His sister was there too. She was jealous of his attentions towards me. I have vague memories of Uncle and me on the porch, nothing untoward was happening but it was the beginning of the full-court press, which I really didn't know how I would get out of until Uncle's Sister came out the door.

Next thing I remember is them fighting on the postage stamp of a front lawn, and someone explains to me that they are rumored to have a relationship they really shouldn't.

(I've known a crap-load of people who've had improper relationships with siblings by the way. All of the others white, just in case this sordid humanity is feeding anyone's inner racist.)

Next thing I remember is me walking down the hill, down the sidewalk, looking at all these little gingerbread houses with bars and gates and some windows boarded up, green plants and vermilion lawns, from unaccustomed rain, and a big moon overhead and silence everywhere, probably 4 am in the morning. Peaceful and clear, stumbling over lawns and down a hill and seeing no one else. It was beautiful.

I kept repeating to myself, I'm in Compton, I'm in Compton, I'm in Compton. Probably not out loud.

Then I'm in a hotel room in Anaheim, everyone crashed and me sleeping on the floor, cause we didn't want to pay for a fold-out bed, I didn't have a job or money at the time. And as we climbed into the car at the latest possible checkout time to drive back to Vegas I look at the other black guy and said, "You're sitting behind him this time."

Burger King, you fuckers

2006-05-02T19:03:00.000-05:00

It's like having the KluKluxKlan sing We Shall Overcome to sell burgers.

A bunch of Rebellious and 'incorrigible" men are sweeping the city standing up for their right to be bad and eat double cheeseburgers and it was just on my tv set.

Cause a woman can't have a single fuckin thing of her own without which he wants to put his greasy, fat-veined, palpitating-heart fingers on it. Not even an inspirational song. Nope, make sure it's turned into a commercial for a company that seems to think chauvinism equals hip. Make sure that it's a commercial singing about how men are gonna get up and rebel by eating sandwiches of death and in no way will they think about another human being.

I can't laugh it off.

The other night I walked into a group of guy friends standing around talking about a woman who has just walked down the street.

"yeah I never have had that." says he.

"have what?" says I, almost innocently.

"Have that! A model type!"

"Oh, THAT, and I thought you were talking about a thing and not a person." says I.

"Thanks for pointing out my sexism."

"No problem, it's what I do. Lots of it around. A girl can get pretty bored without a hobby."

A Curse on Burger King!

And all sexist douches everywhere also, for good measure.

Just to make more porn lookers find this site

2006-04-26T12:54:00.000-05:00

Num Perc. Search Term
6 9.23% mom porno
5 7.69% feminist mom
4 6.15% mom fucking
4 6.15% mom son fuck
3 4.62% angry feminist
3 4.62% boy fuck mom
2 3.08% fuck my mom
2 3.08% mom fuck boy
1 1.54% mom fucking son
1 1.54% drunken moms being abused
1 1.54% mom boy sex
1 1.54% mom porno
1 1.54% my mom fucking a black godzilla
1 1.54% mom fuck boys
1 1.54% my mom fucking black godzilla
1 1.54% mom and son fuck
1 1.54% angry fucking mom
1 1.54% mom fucking sons
1 1.54% mother&son incest
1 1.54% abusive tendancies in single mothers
1 1.54% mom porno
1 1.54% son fuck mom
1 1.54% mom teaching there son how to have sex
1 1.54% mom fuck my
1 1.54% son fuck he's mom
1 1.54% old mom fucking
1 1.54% son and mom fuck
1 1.54% fucking black godzilla
1 1.54% mom fuck stories.
1 1.54% gang bang mom
1 1.54% mom fucking sons friend
1 1.54% mom fuck son
1 1.54% marsha pregnant blog
1 1.54% mom teach sons girl how to fuck
1 1.54% mom and son bang in bathroom
1 1.54% mom boy porno
1 1.54% mom fuck her son
1 1.54% mom and pop fucking
1 1.54% old mom sex
1 1.54% mom fucking baby boy
1 1.54% son mom fuck . com
1 1.54% angry abused mother
1 1.54% mom fucked in kitchen by son
1 1.54% feminist is retarded

Recent Keyword analysis of this site. Gee, I wonder why I'm angry?

Somewhere I read on the internet a statement to the fact there wasn't a physical war against women. I don't remember where or the exact wording but I say WRONG! It's visible in the above search querys as well as on our news and in all our papers. Rape, Murder, Abuse and on top of it the patronizing tones when speaking of Chick Flicks and Women and their Shoe Fetish and the way in which a woman is either a fetishized sex object or nothing at all. There is a war out there to keep us minimized as people as they take away our say over our uterii, and remove our birth control access. And make us think the main thing we must be, above all else, is Sexy and Young.

Not to say that there aren't many fairly decent men out there but even they, my close friends, buy into these gender definitions and live in a world where woman is not the default but man is.

Sitting at the guys' apartment the other day, talking about the mailperson and how one of them called her the mailman and she seemed fine with it. The other guy shoots off his mouth about how it's all just pc crap. This is one of my best friends saying this. Pc Crap? I say, "No, how we think is shaped by our language..." He says, "c'mon" and I say, "God, Sometimes is just nice to be included in how people talk about the fucking world! To be considered. It gets wearing to have a whole world where the default is not me!"

And I had my head in my hands, dissappointed that once again I had to have this type of conversation with a guy who probably thinks he gets it. Who thinks that he's pro-women. He's a guy who notices, and is more respectful and considerate of, my actual feelings and being, but who still has not bothered to take a woman's studies course or read anything by a feminist. Who thinks that our problems happen only somewhere around rape and abuse.

Don't get me wrong. He's a Great Guy! Really. I love him deeply. Sorta like the twin brother I always wanted. And it cuts me deeply each and every time I realize that he doesn't concern himself with the things that concern me because he can pooh-pooh it in his head as PC Crap. Dismisses it as crazy female stuff.

Cause you know a white male is the one who has the experience to make that judgement.

It's like when I was bitching to another male friend. A guy who owns a t-shirt that says Feminist Chicks Dig Me. And wears it proudly. A guy who's mom is gay and feminist and who he cares about to the bottom of his soul.

I was just bitchin and he is saying things back that are NOT soothing but actually making me feel worse. So I tell him, that's not working, don't say that, it just makes me feel bad for feeling bad. He says, "Well I'm saying it to make you feel better." I reply, "Can't you hear me, I'm saying it doesn't."

Suddenly it hits, he can't argue me into feeling that his answers are helping me. But it took a minute to switch gears from the guy brain disease of "I'm always Right!"

"Oh! I'm sorry, I know it all sucks. I"m listening."

Thank you. That helps.

So much housekeeping needed

2006-04-26T12:32:00.000-05:00

I know, this site mostly sucks. I was working on the links and they weren't behaving so I left them as is, a mess. (I have a few hundred I need to put up.)

I also haven't been writing, mostly because I'm on the computer so much for work that not only is there a carpal tunnel threshold but I have been having computer rejection syndrome. If it ain't work I don't want to touch the damn thing. I read. Or exercise. Or sit and watch movies from Netflix. I heart Netflix.

It's that balance of life I haven't figured out yet. How to help the kid, see the friends, do the work, put in stage time at open mics for the show I want to do, paint, relax, cook, clean, do laundry and write on my internet blog. And how do I do it all without my hands falling off my wrists?

Throw general misanthropy of the heart on top and fergit about it, nuthin gets done.

Including this blog.

But it will damnit! BITCHY WOMEN MUST SPEAK! ANGRY WOMEN WILL BE HEARD!!!

I'm sure. No, really. No my life won't get in the way of my angry feminism. NO NONONonononooooooooooo

Porno Searches Brought You Here Now Stop IT!

2006-04-11T21:03:00.000-05:00

While I have taken time away from the internet writing side of my life, due to the rest becoming overwhelming, a lot of searches have hit this site. (Ok, not millions) but the majority of keywords have something to do with mother-son incest. Plus a few that seem to be about women getting abused as sexual turn on and two about a mom fucking a black godzilla.

What the hell is wrong with all of you?

I know you won't actually read the content once you realize there are no splayed legs of humiliation and abuse but maybe the skimming of an eye will pop this phrase into your subconscious. GET HELP! YOU ARE WRONG INSIDE!!!!

Luckily a few found me through "angry feminist" and "feminist mom." Yea!!!

And fucking black godzilla? DUDE! What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? The phrase showed up twice, once with "mom fucking a black godzilla" and the other is "MY mom..." etc.

again

GET HELP FAST NOW SOON TODAY THERAPY COUNSELING HELP GET IT

Only Yes means Yes! Otherwise it means no.

2006-03-08T09:07:00.000-05:00

There are two stories in the linked article. One about a 15 year old girl, and a 17 year old boy, and a blow job, and a 10 year prison sentence.

The other is a story of a drunk 17 year old girl who didn't say no.

Nowhere does it say she said yes. What she did was lay there.

In a portion of a tape obtained by "Primetime," Wilson, then 17 and an honor student and star athlete who was homecoming king, is seen having intercourse with a 17-year-old girl, who was seen earlier on the bathroom floor. During the sex act, she appears to be sleepy or intoxicated but never asks Wilson to stop. Later on in the tape, she is seen being pulled off the bed.

Other portions of the tape show a second girl, who was 15 and later said she did not drink that night. She was recorded having oral sex with several boys in succession, including Wilson.

It goes onto say he was acquitted from the rape with the 17 year old girl, cause she didn't say no, even though she was obviously in no condition to say yes. Appalling. I have been in those states. I have had sex in those states where I wanted it to end and I could not find a way to make a motion, awake inside but sedated, unable to stop.

I did not consider it rape because I was not in that state when the sex began. I was saying yes while I was active and aware and I knew these guys well enough to know they just had no clue. But I wasn't participating, In some cases the motions that would probably look like sexual writhing on a video tape were me trying to get away.

What they wouldn't have seen on tape would be obvious signs of me wanting to be there; delight, kissing, passionate words and asking for things.

So this guy was acquitted for rape because he knows that "no means no" and he wouldn't do something like that. No matter what the girl now says the subjective experience was. She didn't fight it, she must have wanted it and his responsibility for knowing her state of mind ended when she didn't speak.

Hey Rape Activists!!! WE FUCKED UP! "Only Yes means Yes" is my bid for next slogan to get behind.

And They are busily changing that unfair law that is only spose to protect women and children from truly bad guys, not a 17 year-old that will gang bang a 15-year-old! The fact that at some point people decided that a 15 year-old girl is not old enough to say yes to a 40 year-old man seems have upset Them that this boy was caught up in it's letter of the law.

Of course, every 15 year-old girl I know has all the ego and ability to say "no" to the older heroes in the school! Being in a house with drunk young men, who are fucking everyone they can, is truly a caring and open environment in which someone under the age of consent can make these decisions! Cause those boys were only 17! Athletes and Popular.

The point of age-of-consent is that we have drawn a line where, as adults, we decided our children can not make a decision such as say, blowing the baseball team at a drunken orgy. That the decision is in the hands of the ones who can. That it is the the 17 year-old's responsibility. Because children at 15 are not developmentally able to say yes with full knowledge of what they do.

From the memories of high school that I have, I fully agree with this. Moral, DON"T FUCK A FRESHMAN or SOPHOMORE! Simple, just don't, it's not that difficult to avoid. Walk out of the room. Tell your buddies they are rapists and to get away from her. Hey how about talking to the girls as well. You know if you had turned to the limp bodied laying there girl you were raping and asked, "is it good? Are you enjoying this? Do you want this? Why aren't you kissing me? Why aren't you moaning? Do you like this?" Maybe you would have noticed your druken plunges and spasms weren't invited after all. That there was a "NOOOOO" screaming around in a skull and it just couldn't get out.

There you have it: Women: 2 FUCK YOUSE! for protection and understanding and basic human rights and dignities
Men: 1 You DA MAN! and 1 DON'T WORRY, WELL GET YOU OUT OF THIS MESS!

And don't either you wimmin ask for abortions neither!

Retarded Beyond Belief

2006-03-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

They don't seem to get it that "reducing the rising rate of poverty" doesn't even begin to compare, as a moral imperative, with the need to save innocent human life. We could, in theory, eliminate all poverty by killing all the poor, but that wouldn't exactly be a Catholic solution, now would it? Of what use are all the social programs in the world to the innocent child who is murdered before birth?

I pity these poor people, and I pray that their hearts will be opened to the love of God and that they may rethink their views, and understand that Catholic truth is more important than the good wishes of NARAL.

Of course after that clump of dividing cells and little birdy bones is born it doesn't matter anymore. Just make sure you save it BEFORE the pain of childbirth. Apparently social programs that will help people lead healthier, happier lives and take care of the babies being born are not going to help that one murdered baby that never had a chance to be hungry or feed.

Funny logic these right wing assninnies have.

War is taking a fuckload of innocent lives, supposedly to save others. Justified constantly as a killing spree for the greater good. Guess what else is for the greater good? Abortion. And even more so are social programs, to feed, house, clothe, educate and support people. Programs that help many innocent lives, from the ones who gain care, to the ones who give care, to the ones who make it a priority in their speech and actions. And social programs don't take any lives at all! Like visiting nurses for welfare mothers for the first two years of a child's life. Amazing amount of success, 70% success in the measurements of single welfare mothers not beating their children, not having another one while in welfare, and success in finding ways off welfare. 70% is huge in the social program area.

It has been cut from it's trial runs in Albany (few years back?) and the idea is not being picked up elsewhere.

Why?

Because it helped the mother, and didn't just make sure one more child was in this world with a hungry mouth to feed?

I'm pro-abortion and I say it loud and proud but if I weren't for it I would know that the only way to end it is to give pregnant woman day care, and child allowances and much support. Help them take care of themselves. Give them support. Cause when you are broke and being abused, and you have no where to turn, well fuck you mr. the last thing that is for the greater good is another human being in the mix.

Think of it in terms of war. War against them men who rape us, who want us controlled by nature and their decisions about our bodies. It's a war against life itself, a war of me verses it's darwinian spirit to keep popping up. It's my war against my own biology that convinced me once without a condom wouldn't do any harm, in a fit of sleep deprived horniness.

And guess what, the greater good of me and my son won.

Abortion and a Ten Year Old Son

2006-03-01T08:45:00.000-05:00

My child has a keen ear, even when he sits playing video games he is also usually tracking every conversation I have. I know this cause it comes back later, as he tries to figure things out.

It's ok with me. I try to remember to have the conversations about his father far from earshot and remember to be the kind of person I want him to be when talking about all the other stuff. But he certainly has heard my friends and I, also mothers of sons, black sons at that, speak passionately about the issues of gender equality, racism and politics.

He knows that I despise, detest and distrust George Bush but that I don't get thrilled at the online video game where you can beat the crap out of him. Words are STRONGER I cry at him, shaking a pretend enraged fist and then reading the declaration of independence and he tells me I should read it out loud all the time so people will hear it again.

He is also bright. Testing as genius, performing as monster and thinking in a literal style makes for so many unusual responses, insights and conversations and I can hide nothing from him.

My son and I have been actively teaching empathy for years. It's a hard one to grasp for him in some ways. Not that he doesn't understand that others feel bad but more that his world in his head is experienced by everyone else in the same way and they should just know. He also has a hard time with feelings that show up. I'm not fully sure in what ways but we've spent many years allowing anger out with out hurting himself, sorting between it and frustration, talking about how the skull means we all have a different mind and that different people even think differently.

We do this a lot in the same way you should raise a chihuahua, lots of supported exposure.

He knows about my abortion. The one where I aborted a child, and yes I can phrase it that way. It wasn't a breathing, living on it's own, I've bonded with it, and could never imagine it out of my life child. It was a bunch of cells forming to become a child and when I terminated I aborted the chance for that potential to be a child. I'm OK with that.

"SOOO OK with that," I have actually reflected many times this year, as life begins to go mo' better, how happy I am I had that abortion. The agony one child between me and this man has been for me, him and the child. The financial drain. The knowledge that I probably never would have actually left him with two, hormones and another 4 years of roller coaster depression, my depression, his depression, The Boy's need for interventions and help, the ex's mental abuse and how bad all 4 beings would be living, how miserable, how sad.

Previous to the South Dakota news my son had already known about the abortion but we hadn't discussed it in depth yet. His stance had been I kinda understand and I kinda don't.

And I would say I know we'll keep talking about it.

And the conversation is paused until it comes up again like recently with the South Dakota law.

He came in the kitchen last week, while on vacation and not doing his homework and said, "I think abortion should be allowed some and some not."

And I said, "HohKay," (Cause there's nothing like a serious conversation in a silly voice.) "Vat exactly do you mean by dat!? Hmmm..?"

He, being a sophisticated 10, looks at me like I'm a freak and says, "You know, like earlier on when it's not really...and then later...no..." his hand stiff and gesturing by circling each other in the cutest, little, awkward kid way, my heart melts, but he's 10 so I just keep talking instead of eating him up like a cookie.

I explain (which I'm not going to dialog, cause I have to do dishes and then get out the door to work) about how the late term abortions are not just some woman running willy-nilly in to get rid of a growing, healthy baby but medical decisions between women and their doctors that are due to something traumatic and horrible going wrong. And we get into the whole financial etc. And then we got into the reason I had mine.

I gave him all the info I put in above, about money, time and other junk. How I am still sure to this day that child did not need to be born. That if it had been I would have loved the crap out of them both but I would have remained an angry mom, a depressed mom and a mom that slapped and yelled and spanked - raising him the way I had been raised.

My emotion is a little high for him at this point so he gently pats my arm and says something, I'm not sure what, and I continue with dishes (fucking dishes) and after a moment of quiet between us he tells me that he wants me to be his advisor when he's president.

For the Otherwise Interested

2006-02-24T16:06:00.000-05:00

I have another blog that has been in existance since about 2000, as a blog. I have also had a webpage with the same title since around '95, coded by hand in the slow of the dial-up.

It's is now become more about my reactions to reading the internet. The links I want to send to everyone I know. The anger at watching a right wing america abuse everything I believe is right about our country and a place for me to throw whatever silly thing I want to say RIGHT THIS SECOND onto the world.

So click the link already, it's in the title yo.

Life Right Now

2006-02-23T16:41:00.000-05:00

I have two 10 year old boys playing a 2 player monster fight game. Godzilla is in there and others. They have a split screen and are working as a team to defeat the enemies.

The soundtrack goes something like this:

The Boy: "I see my responsibility!"

Boy 2: "You are deciding to shoot my responsibility?"

The Boy: "It's our responsibility to defeat the Enemy!"

Boy 2: "So should I shoot your responsibility?"

The Boy: "Shoot ANY RESPONSIBILITY!"

And much laughter and roaring and crashing and more "responsibilities."

I mean, it's something I wanted to teach him but I didn't realize what a good job I have obviously done! (or he's just heard the word so much he can't let it go:D)

Final comment:

The Boy: "I threw your responsibility into the marzipan!"

I Chat with Friend and Proud Papa of his own Son

2006-02-23T15:24:00.000-05:00

Info for full appreciation: I am single mom. I have joint custody with my ex-dick, the time my son is with me being thurs night to sunday night. This week is mid-winter break. My son has been diagnosed with Aspergers. And it means he's a piece of work. He's also unusually sensitive, incredibly intelligent and the biggest cuddle monster I know. We love each other dearly and I am astounded at raising a son in this world.

D: what are you up to?

Me: watching THE BOY pick his nose
instead of sleeping like he's spose too
thrilling

D: lol
you're such a mom

ME: fuck shit won't go to bed

D: whoa
a vulgar mom :)

Me: pissin me off
a week with this kid is wearing me out
I love him but he is a handful

D: Yes he is
you need bigger hands

ME: he's been great
sat at a clients today and read
but the evenings and time alone, he's ontop of me

D: awwww
that's his snuggle time with you

ME: yeah we've been snuggling since 9 30 (at this point it's 11:40)
ya know
it's pushing boundries
he loves being with me too

D: I hear ya

Me: Today I was told I could be his personal adviser when he's president

D: lol
smart kid

Me: didn't think people would think well of him if I was on his official staff
made me proud

D: the mark of a good president is a competent cabinet.

Me:pretty astue for someone with autistic
tendancies
yeah but c'mon, if his mommy is in his cabinet?

and we decided that it should be against the law for white guys to hold office for the next 20 years

Time passes and mother uses the "you're really pissing me off" phrase which made him stay in bed and then mother headed back to the chat.

Me: ah
he's so asleep and looks like an angel

D: sleep finally?

Me:yeah
he does look a lot like me doesn't he

D: yes

Me: his nose is looking like mine, the chubby is leaving the cheeks
what a man
almost killed dead but

trying on the teenage attitude
but also admitted to wanting to be treated like a baby

and I was at s**'s tonight and had p** and s** given me shit for forcing him to use the bathroom. Stupid single guy crap
s** did try to support but he was having to much fun teasing us both and p** was just being an ass
and THE BOY was sitting on the couch not having peed since 9 am
this was 8:30 at night
Finally I threatened to remove all the weird al music from the computer
and destroy it
he stood up and said, "you won this one!" and went to the bathroom
s** and p** lost it lost it laughing I meant, wonder if D knew that? my kid is funny!
P**'s like, how do you know he has to go? He said he didn't!
I'm like you want him to pee his pants in the car? I've been with him all day! three sodas and no peeing!

thanks, done now
I just want to smack single guys and be like, he's ten! Remember how it's still a KID!
sigh

not to mention "respect ma authoritay!" Is this how all the assholes are born? Other men making sure boys know that women will mother them too much and they don't have to listen? Did you get that issue from the chat transcript? Everytime I go over there with my son they act like I'm sissifying him by not letting him watch grosser programs and asking him how he feels. But these are the things that come up at 2 am in a nightmare and he NEEDS to talk about his feelings or he ends up choking other kids with his rage. The things I do are the things I see make him happier. His is not GROWN yet. He doesn't always know when he has to PEEEE!!!! There, rant off.

Site been seen

2006-01-25T14:38:00.000-05:00

people have already managed to surf onto this site, yea...feel free to add it to your rss reader so you can know easily when it's updated. I have big plans but have just begun to set it up.

In other words:

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

AND

2006-01-22T12:43:00.001-05:00

2006-01-22T12:43:00.000-05:00

first test post

2006-01-22T11:29:00.000-05:00

the title says it all