Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Moment of Objectification
I've been thinking this morning. Thinking I need to start writing my personal spews again and thinking about gender, gender roles, gender dating itself.
I've been dating for a lot of years. I use the word dating to describe all of it, the hook ups, the fantasies, the long-term child producing relationship, the entire ball of wax that is human sexual relationships in my life, from the first kiss in a park to a couple of months ago when I realized I really am no longer interested in the drunken take home.
Really it's my relationship with the patriarchy, this dating history. The patriarchy that rooted itself in my own self image, struggling to be the right type of female to meet that perfect man for me even as my understanding of female grew by living it.
I also hang out with men. I mean in the clubhouse, on the stinky couch, watching them play shoot'em up games, and listening to their crazy man ideas.
I do this cause they are good guys. In many ways have contributed to my own healing and trust issues left over from early sexual molestations. Have supported me, hate my ex, was there when we met, known me for 13 years, but damn it they as do every other man has this place where women are no longer people.
As a friend I am me, treated with kindness and respect but when they see me as female I am condescended too and the understanding that a female is only there to be their sexual object. It can be judgement on my parenting style, a weird worry that I am too girly for my son, or statements about women being crazy, or fantasies of paradisical islands of sexual pleasure and how hot the women will be or...
And My gender is not a person, not an equal, a thing.
It's not just these guys. Its SOOOO MANY DUDES DOING THIS STILL!!!!!!
Decent people and other women may not feel it as much as I do at this point. We are very indoctrinated that boys will be boys but it keeps growing in my attention span. And making me hunch my shoulders. And stop talking to creatures with penises, because the less you respect a groupable group of people the more they become not human, and hate them a little.
Male friend discussing song lyrics, laughingly: "...he was obviously tired of dating crazy chicks, so mothers and fathers should be good to the daughters cause women are crazy..."
Me in reply in a quiet not so funny voice: " Really I'm not sure the problem is the mothers and fathers so much as the rapists. Want women to stop being crazy get men to stop raping us."
I know, I forgot to add, "you know, not that I hate men or think ALL of you are rapist." I hope I didn't hurt his feelings by generalizing. Hate to hurt the big man's feelings with my manhating ways. (But you still best do me douchboy! You owe me that! I paid attention to you!!!! - sorry channeling my inner dude there.)
Running into the moment of objectification, when the mind frame switches, when you are the object or even when you are catagorized out of it and are treated as one of the guys in the conversation and it's another female as object and they are lookign at you for approval and laughter adn don't seem to realize that your face stings with the emotional slap of YOU ARE NOTHING! It's a frightening moment. A moment when you realize the potential for abuse against your person is there, the space where hitting and raping and humilating a woman comes from is right there in your friends.
And they can't see it, won't see, cling to it as though it is just a guy thing.
Are they rapists? HELL NO, not my actual friends now. But, well, we women talk and I have found out that many of my male friends of the past have been. And it's not fun to see a seed in the thinking of the men I trust. ¶ 8:24 AM
I've been dating for a lot of years. I use the word dating to describe all of it, the hook ups, the fantasies, the long-term child producing relationship, the entire ball of wax that is human sexual relationships in my life, from the first kiss in a park to a couple of months ago when I realized I really am no longer interested in the drunken take home.
Really it's my relationship with the patriarchy, this dating history. The patriarchy that rooted itself in my own self image, struggling to be the right type of female to meet that perfect man for me even as my understanding of female grew by living it.
I also hang out with men. I mean in the clubhouse, on the stinky couch, watching them play shoot'em up games, and listening to their crazy man ideas.
I do this cause they are good guys. In many ways have contributed to my own healing and trust issues left over from early sexual molestations. Have supported me, hate my ex, was there when we met, known me for 13 years, but damn it they as do every other man has this place where women are no longer people.
As a friend I am me, treated with kindness and respect but when they see me as female I am condescended too and the understanding that a female is only there to be their sexual object. It can be judgement on my parenting style, a weird worry that I am too girly for my son, or statements about women being crazy, or fantasies of paradisical islands of sexual pleasure and how hot the women will be or...
And My gender is not a person, not an equal, a thing.
It's not just these guys. Its SOOOO MANY DUDES DOING THIS STILL!!!!!!
Decent people and other women may not feel it as much as I do at this point. We are very indoctrinated that boys will be boys but it keeps growing in my attention span. And making me hunch my shoulders. And stop talking to creatures with penises, because the less you respect a groupable group of people the more they become not human, and hate them a little.
Male friend discussing song lyrics, laughingly: "...he was obviously tired of dating crazy chicks, so mothers and fathers should be good to the daughters cause women are crazy..."
Me in reply in a quiet not so funny voice: " Really I'm not sure the problem is the mothers and fathers so much as the rapists. Want women to stop being crazy get men to stop raping us."
I know, I forgot to add, "you know, not that I hate men or think ALL of you are rapist." I hope I didn't hurt his feelings by generalizing. Hate to hurt the big man's feelings with my manhating ways. (But you still best do me douchboy! You owe me that! I paid attention to you!!!! - sorry channeling my inner dude there.)
Running into the moment of objectification, when the mind frame switches, when you are the object or even when you are catagorized out of it and are treated as one of the guys in the conversation and it's another female as object and they are lookign at you for approval and laughter adn don't seem to realize that your face stings with the emotional slap of YOU ARE NOTHING! It's a frightening moment. A moment when you realize the potential for abuse against your person is there, the space where hitting and raping and humilating a woman comes from is right there in your friends.
And they can't see it, won't see, cling to it as though it is just a guy thing.
Are they rapists? HELL NO, not my actual friends now. But, well, we women talk and I have found out that many of my male friends of the past have been. And it's not fun to see a seed in the thinking of the men I trust. ¶ 8:24 AM
Comments:
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Your words bring sadness to me hearing your truths expressed as clearly as they are.
You can and do do a lot. Your son already has to and will increasingly have to live influenced by us men, as well as by women.
I saw the gender differences increasingly in biological terms as my baby, now nearing 20, grew in his late babyhood.
Then videos, tv, and later on video games, friends and school began influencing him in increasingly important ways.
We do live in a rape culture! We also live in a world where Men are "alone" - through homophobia (whether Gay or not) in so many ways.
Until and unless we, as men, confront other men and do much better with our sons (and daughters) it is hard to see how we will be good partners and friends for women.
Having feminism as a central part of our lives for many years doesn't make some of us "different". We are still men and we still fail - as you point out.
Thanks!
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You can and do do a lot. Your son already has to and will increasingly have to live influenced by us men, as well as by women.
I saw the gender differences increasingly in biological terms as my baby, now nearing 20, grew in his late babyhood.
Then videos, tv, and later on video games, friends and school began influencing him in increasingly important ways.
We do live in a rape culture! We also live in a world where Men are "alone" - through homophobia (whether Gay or not) in so many ways.
Until and unless we, as men, confront other men and do much better with our sons (and daughters) it is hard to see how we will be good partners and friends for women.
Having feminism as a central part of our lives for many years doesn't make some of us "different". We are still men and we still fail - as you point out.
Thanks!
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